Children just want to be 'liked'

In child therapist Terry Gawthrope’s experience, social media has harnessed a generation of very vulnerable young people. Amelia Canty investigates the impacts technology has had, and continues to have, on the development of our children.

The digital clock in the corner of the screen flicks forward again.
The time now reads 21:11.
Another minute gone by with no response.
It’s like standing in a room full of people, with no one acknowledging your presence.

Nowadays, instead of staring at four walls feeling lonely, it’s a screen, filled with hundreds of virtual friends. The expectations and pressures a virtual world imposes on our realities can be really harmful. We make myriad connections over the phone that aren’t quite as meaningful as those in person, but we are led to believe they should be valued the same.

Terry Gawthorpe is a highly experienced child therapist. In the last six months, all of her new referrals have been 13 year olds, owing their problems to the impacts technology has had on their development. She recalls hearing a lot of her patients explain how the virtual world can feel very lonely at times.

“Young children about 12 or 13 love it. It’s fast and it’s immediate, but of course as you get older, that kind of quick fix isn’t enough anymore. That’s when young people start to feel lonely. They find it superficial and they don’t know how to make these emotional connections with the people who are in front of them.”

In a time when data has surpassed the value of oil, our society is beginning to appear two- dimensional. Brick by pixel and pixel by brick, the two worlds we’ve built are becoming one, our boundaries - especially our children’s - becoming increasingly blurred. Our perceptions of people are largely developed by the version they share of themselves on screen. Each year is another software update. The upgrades in technology impress people so much, that the battery life decreasing goes unnoticed. The advances in technology over the past decade have been so monumental, that we’ve hidden in a folder the repercussions it is having on our young generation.

Adolescence is such a crucial and vulnerable stage in development, where teenagers begin to form their own identity and create meaningful relationships. They are also undergoing major changes physically, cognitively, and socially which can be profoundly affected by extensive exposure to social media. Many experts share concerns that, because of the interlocking entities of virtual and reality, children’s social development is unknowingly suffering. Children become emotionally connected to platforms that seem very real to them. What’s more, connections made on platforms instil the same physiological reaction emotionally that you experience face to face with somebody, making disassociation even harder to achieve.

14 year old Jake Mouncer experienced a tumultuous period in his life a few years ago when he came out as gay. At such a young age, navigating his sexuality identity as well as exploring the

person he wanted to be, was really difficult for Jake. Jake’s mum, Sam Mouncer, believes Jake’s insecurities at the time led him to rely heavily on his phone. She said: “He definitely turned to social media in those times where he felt confused, and still continues to do so, to look for some validation. I think that was something that really confused his development. For a long time his personality was literally a walking Tik-Tok video. The jokes and phrases he comes out with are beyond his years, and a lot of what he says is americanised which he’s only got from social media.”

Sam frustratedly admits that Jake is addicted to his phone. She sighs and says, “He has social anxiety. I think he finds it easy to communicate through the channels of social media and he definitely finds it easier to express himself on there.”

A study published by The Lancet: Child & Adolescent Health suggested frequent social media use was associated with decreased mental health, as measured by responses to questions about psychological distress, happiness and anxiety. These feelings are inextricably linked to cyberbullying, a lack of sleep and a lack of exercise, all of which are mere by-products of having the two worlds combined, with our children becoming collateral damage.

Therapist Terry Gawthorpe holds the virtual world responsible for raising, what she believes to be, a generation largely under-developed in terms of emotional maturity and emotional resilience. She says, “My issue with these platforms is it gives people the confidence to do and say whatever they want. There’s a different level of consequence, rejection and celebration online. You need to develop emotional resilience and emotional maturity. But you can’t do that if you don’t make mistakes.”

Terry further explains, “If they make a comment that a person might not like, they can readjust their response and deal with the consequences of something they’ve said and how it's made someone feel. They don’t have the ability to do that on social media, because they can’t see it. They can’t pick up on the behavioural nuances that you see in everyday life. How can you begin to put something right that you don’t know you got wrong? They're not using or developing crucial social skills.”

The government's Office of Communications (Ofcom) collated data from children aged 5-15 through 2020 - 2021. According to their research, 57% of 5-7 year olds own a tablet, 14% own a smartphone and 30% use a form of social media. As you can imagine, these numbers only grow. By the time they are 12-15, 91% own a smartphone, 87% use social media and 91% use messaging apps. These figures are testament to the levels of exposure children are accustomed to from such a premature age. It’s no surprise that they struggle with distinguishing between what is real and what is not, and how to engage properly in both worlds.

In the same research, Ofcom asked parents if they were aware of a minimum age requirement to have a profile on social media sites. Almost 90% said they were aware of this, yet less than 40% were able to recall the correct age.

Prior to the birth of Facebook, academics scratched the surface of what would come to be an irreversible change in the way our world functions. American academic Mark Prensky first

identified the gap between adults who were being introduced and adapting to the emergence of technology, and children growing up during the age of it in 2001. He dubbed adults “digital immigrants”, and children “digital natives”. He further explained: "As Digital Immigrants learn – like all immigrants, some better than others – to adapt to their environment, they always retain their ‘accent’.” Although the concept is dated, the foundations still stand today as all aspects of technology continue to evolve. The new challenge occurring is essentially a language barrier between the two populations. This is where parents find it difficult to engage with their children, and knowing what is okay and what is not in terms of media use and technology.

When asked why she doesn’t limit Jake’s screen time if she understands the negative impacts, Sam paused before simply saying, "I don’t want to make him upset”. She continued, "I don't understand what he's doing on it and it seems like his phone is a comfort to him. He’s dealt with a lot these past few years and I don’t want to add to that by isolating him from this world he feels so connected to.”

The gap in technological understanding between a parent and their child is inevitable and understandable. Although you may not be as enthralled with social media, this doesn’t mean there are not ways you can properly and effectively engage with your child to mitigate the harmful effects it can have, if not used in moderation.

When Terry Gawthorpe is with a struggling child, her first approach to help aid their recovery is to immerse herself into that child’s virtual world. She says, “You've got to understand it by going into the virtual world yourself and making that connection in order to pull the child out. You’ve then got to make those worlds merge by having a shared vocabulary. The other crucial thing is, you've got to restrict it. They need a balance between the virtual world and the real world. Parents really need to understand that.”